The 10 most common marriage reconciliation mistakes I've seen when it relates to healing from infidelity:
Mistake #1 - Lying about some aspect of the betrayal
Do not lie about anything. To rebuild the trust in the relationship, you Must tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God. Your marriage reconciliation attempt must be honest from the start.
Mistake #2 - Trying to rush the wounded spouse
The person who committed the adultery must avoid saying to your spouse, “That is over now, let’s forget it, not talk about it any more and move on.” Your spouse is still devastated and bleeding. This is an open wound that you won’t slap a quick band aid on and hope they will be okay.(See our special marital communication game)
Mistake #3 - Lack of empathy from offending spouse
Avoid taking lightly or under estimating the catastrophic damage that has been done to your spouse and your marriage through the adultery and the lies to cover it up.
Mistake #4 - Trying to blame your infidelity on anything/anyone other than yourself
Avoid shifting the blame to the other person or circumstances. Take responsibility for your own words and actions.
Mistake #5 - Acts of violence (from either party)
Avoid any fits of violence. You will get angry, but don’t sin. You must prepare yourself to hear the truth and find out some things you may not want to hear. If you need to walk away until tomorrow so you can digest what you have heard, do so.
Mistake #6 - Getting Impatient with betrayed spouse's communication
Avoid becoming impatient with the third degree process. It is important that everything is put on the table. That way you can make the decision whether or not to let God reconcile you to your spouse, like He (God) has forgiven and reconciled you to Him.
Mistake #7 - Leaving God out of this whole process
Pray without ceasing. Ask God to search your heart to see if there is any left over stuff in there that you haven’t dealt with yet. Any ungodly vows you may have made to yourself that you may have forgotten about. Anything that may still be there that could hinder your reconciliation. Ask Him to heal your hearts and your emotions. Ask Him to regulate your mind and thoughts and break those ungodly soul ties you have with other persons. (See the article "Step-by-step to forgiving infidelity or anything else".)
Mistake #8 - Forgetting the nature of God's forgiving and cleansing power
Avoid forgetting to plead the Blood of Jesus over the both of you. Your mind, your will, and your emotions. (Hebrews 9: 13 & 14)
Mistake #9 - Pride
Avoid pride at all cost, it is a killer. Humble yourselves before the mighty hand of God and one another. Then resist the devil and he will flee from you. You must say to your spouse, “I was wrong, please forgive me, I repent, now what can I do to make it right?”
Mistake #10 - Trying to maintain old lifestyle
Avoid giving your spouse any reason to doubt you ever again. Cut off all contact with any other women, friends or anyone who had anything to do with the adultery. Change your cell phone # if necessary. Your spouse should have total access to all phones, blackberry, computer passwords and all of that so the trust can be rebuilt. Avoid becoming weary in well doing because in due season you will reap if you Avoid fainting. (Galatians 6:9).
You may have noticed that some of the marriage reconciliation mistakes are made by the offending spouse, and some are made by the spouse who is working on forgiving the infidelity.
The mistakes most likely to be made by the spouse who strayed into infidelity are:
On the other hand, the marriage reconciliation mistakes most often made by the forgiving spouse are:
Whatever you may be going through, we know that God's heart is for reconciliation. Christian marriages often go through the same challenges as everyone else.
We offer christian marriage help and relationship repair for couples in distress. Whether through our intensive marriage counseling by phone, or live seminars and conferences, or our with our book, and web training, we are here to help.
God bless you.
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